Click
by PurpleLight
Summary: Who are you looking for, James?


Lily rolled her eyes: those two were bloody at it again. She spun round in her chair to glare at them. Black was doubled over almost to the table, trying unsuccessfully to muffle his laughter. Potter was smirking and laughing softly, although nowhere near as loudly as usual. He caught her eye and grinned; one that fell off as she continued to glower.

She turned back to face the front as the two at the back finally quietened down. There were ten minutes of blessed relief then: _Thump_, followed by Black's unmistakably loud laugh. She huffed, trying to concentrate.

"Did you drop your quill, Prongs?" she heard him asking loudly.

A muttered reply.

"Well, what are you looking for?"

There was silence. Sirius was leaning down, looking at his friend, "Prongs?" he asked, then he looked up, a slight note of panic entering his tone, "Professor? Help me please… I think Prongs, I mean James is sick."

Lily huffed, "Yeah right, Black. You tried that one _last_ week."

"No," there was a definite note of panic in his voice now, "I mean he's _not moving_."

Lily turned slowly, face stony. She looked up at the Professor, who was shaking his head. She smiled triumphantly, "You see, Black?" she crowed, "Perhaps you shouldn't cry Wolf!"

Black looked at her with an uncomprehending expression on his face, then snatched up his friend's arm and started dragging him out of the classroom. He cursed and picked him bodily off the floor. James' face was pale and sweat was shining on his brow.

Lily's heart thudded; perhaps she was wrong. She bit her lip, undecided, then with the Professor's permission to go to the toilet, she followed Black to the Hospital Wing.

"Madame Pomfrey!" Sirius cried as he came through the door. She came out of her room, to see him standing with James in his arms.

"Mr Black, if this is one of your jokes…" she warned.

"No it's not," he said, "Honest," he added, seeing her face.

She nodded briskly and gestured for Sirius to place him on a bed. James' face was contorted and he twitched as if in pain. Madame Pomfrey laid a hand on his forehead – and jerked it back, "He's boiling up!" she hissed, bustling off to get some medicine.

Sirius looked down at his friend and then collapsed into his chair, shoulders slumped. Madame Pomfrey came bustling back through the door to see Sirius like that. She walked forwards more slowly, "He'll be okay, Sirius," she said, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder, "He's lived through much worse."

Sirius looked up at her, "Thanks Poppy."

She smiled and became business-like again, "Now, Mr Black, back to class: I bet that you're here without the slightest bit of permission."

Sirius smiled guiltily, "Weeell," he began

"Just as I thought," Madame Pomfrey said primly, "Now scat!"

Once Sirius had exited the Hospital Wing, Madame Pomfrey looked down at James' face, "You'll be alright," she told the boy, "You just need to find you're way back." She nodded and bustled out again.

After she was sure that the nurse had gone, Lily snuck slowly into the Hospital Wing. She frowned and crossed the room to James' bed, looking down at him. Then she sat, so that her eyes were more on his level. Making a decision, she bent forwards, "Look, Potter," she started, "I have no idea why I'm here: I don't know whether I even _like_ you. You have such an ego," she was watching his face closely as he flinched as if from her words, "but you've made an effort over the past few years to bring it down. I appreciate it." She paused, "James, I know you're a decent boy, but that's it, isn't it?" she sighed, "You're a boy. You don't know what you want: not what you want me to be; or what you want to be. You need to make those decisions and become a man… somehow."

She raised her eyebrows as he opened his eyes, but there was no recognition in them. They were fuzzy; fever-muddled and searching. She frowned, "What are you looking for, James?"

* * *

James was turning, running through what felt like syrup; dark and suffocating. He gasped, fighting it. A light slipped into his vision as something soft and red brushed across his cheek. _Lily!_ Where was he? He had to do something: become something. What?

Suddenly, Lily was standing in front of him, holding her study-books, "James," she said, "Where are you going? Are you looking for something?"

He tried to answer; couldn't. Her face became sad, "I'll have to help you look," and she lifted a pale arm…

…_Click_

James screamed soundlessly:

Lily was on the floor beside a smashed crib, sobbing. She clutched a tiny body to her chest and rocked in a heart-wrenching mockery of comfort.

James reached towards her desperately; he had to get to her; help her, but

…_Click _

She pointed up to the mistletoe, laughing as she twined both hands around his face, pulling him towards her for a kiss

…_Click_

Lily looked pale, frightened, clutching something precious to her chest and running as fast as she could.

…_Click_

Lily was glaring at him across the lake, "What's the matter, Potter?" she asked spitefully, "What are you looking for? Is your head too big to see around?"

…_Blink _

She wrapped around him, kissing him, holding him. He could feel the curve of her pregnant belly against him

…_Click _

She was sitting, chatting to three men in a night club; lights were flashing in the background and she looked empty; her eyes were empty.

…_Click_

It was autumn. Laughing, she kicked up leaves, throwing them up in the air for a child to catch and running to catch him.

…_Click _

Lily lay there, unmarked but unmistakeably dead. A child sat beside her, tugging on her sleeve, "Mummy, wake up. Look up. Find me." His chin wobbled, "Look,"

…_Click_

Lights spilt under a Christmas tree. She sat, laughing and smiling as she offered a present to him.

…_Click_

Her gaze flicked uncertainly across the room until it landed on him and a warm smile spread across her face as she raced down to greet him.

…_Click _

Lily turned a heart-broken face towards him, the last tears glistening in the starlight, "I hope you found what you were looking for," she said before she jumped.

…_Click_

Lily's face was scrunched in concentration, a transfiguration spell written down before her. She looked up gratefully as another hand closed over her own.

…_Click_

She screamed at him, eyes holding no recognition as she fought him away, "Who are you?" she cried, "What are you looking for?"

…_Click _

She spun around, dizzily, beautiful in a bell-shaped wedding dress. She struck a pose, grinning towards him as if to say, _what do you think?_

…_Click _

She screamed, back arched in pain. Then she collapsed, sobbing, "Please," she said, "I don't know what you're looking for…"

…_Click_

Lily was gazing at him through pain-filled eyes, black eye-liner smudged down her cheeks with tears as she gouged black-painted nails into wrists covered in scars.

…_Click_

She was asleep at a desk, paperwork spread out as a pillow. She blinked sleepily and smiled as someone handed her a coffee.

…_Click _

She had platinum blonde hair, in clothes that covered barely more than underwear would. She giggled at him as she put a cigarette into her mouth and lit it.

…_Click_

The glint of a knife caught his attention as she raised it above her head, face red in psychotic rage. She swung it down, screaming soundlessly.

…_Click_

Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes sparkling as she swung a child around in a circle, looking back over her shoulder and lifting it towards him.

…_Click_

She looked like she was sleeping, but there was a smudge of something on her forehead. It was blood, and her skin was pale; lifeless. Dead.

…_Click_

She was older, beautiful. She stood there calmly and full of love, holding a child in her arms, "What are you looking for, James?" she asked and was gone.

James opened his eyes, to see Lily leaning over him, watching him intently, "Just you to be you." He whispered.

* * *


End file.
